Indiana Idyll
by TrekDr
Summary: After landing voyager, there is a short home break for the crew and Gretchen is pleased to have her daughter home. carries on from 'coming home with you' endgame homecoming world. There are always consequences. 4 chapters J/C some P/T. usual not my characters thing applies.
1. Chapter 1

_my J/C post return fanfic is nearly linear, starting where endgame finished, but a J/C quick reversal - coming home with you. I think my following fanfics prob don't need a readthrough of the initial fanfic first, but since i loved that, I would recommend that you do. My profile is going to try and keep the timeline showing, in case you are bothered about order!_

 _-0-0-0-_

I hardly slept last night. I don't need sleep, I have never needed much. Voyager returned yesterday, and disembarqment today. I sip at my first coffee of the morning. It never stops pleasing me, first the aroma, then the bitter hit of the taste, and finally the caffeine that helps me keep going. All the better with something sweet on the side, and today, courtesy of the celebration, we have fresh pain au chocolat. perfectment, as they might say in Paris!

Damn! is that the time! I have spent too long in my memories today. too long imagining all the family in this house in indiana, imagining ed coming home and swinging me up and around, two little girls racing into his arms. Too long remembering that terrible moment when i was told that Edward was never coming home again, when a broken Katie was delivered too me. Too long remembering the recovery, and the joy she found again in a friends arms. Like her, i had believed then that she would never love as fully again. Now, I wonder. I watched the images last night, and the one that stays with me is her turning to her first officer and standing hands entwined with Earth behind them. Hope, pain and love. I wonder.

Hell woman, you are getting old! I have done it again, drifted into reveries of the past. I will not go there, to when they told me voyager was lost, and then finally declared Katie dead. A woman should never have to hear of the death of her child. Phoebe, bless her, carried me through. I had no idea she had the strength, bit by bit we resurfaced and then the miracle! Now, finally, Voyager is home and disembarking today. I shout as loud as i can for people to get up. Then I press the klaxon, bought for ed by the girls as a red alert for getting us all out of the house. Giggling, my grandchildren Katelyn and Paul running into the kitchen, 5 and 4, their parents not far behind. I have a spread on the table for them. Sekaya joins us, laughing, with Paka, who is grumbling about the noise. Her husband has stayed on Trebus. Soon the kitchen is one noisy happy family and we laugh at thinking of the family finally joining us.

Sekaya draws me to one side as she plans to stay with her cousin in Ohio to give us space. I try to persuade her to stay here too, there is plenty of room. She says she will ask Chakotay. she wonders about their relationship too.

we are off and out, and as Admiral Janeway's wife, and the Paris's friends, we have a perfect spot to watch voyager land on the presidio. Elizabeth Paris has joined me and we both laugh to think we are welcoming new grandchildren as well as our children back home. that Katie loves Icheb is enough for me to welcome him fully. The ship sure does make a grand sight as it lands. Phoebe is jumping up and down as the shuttle doors open, and there they are.

Sekaya catches and steadies me as i nearly fall. I would blame the heat, but damn we both know that it isnt that. My Katie, my dearest, darling child, oh how i have hungered to see you these past seven years. Here you are at last. Proud, strong, with your son on one side, and arm in arm still with your first officer. I see him bend to murmur something in your ear as the crew starts to file behind you. Owen has made a rousing speech - always one to grab the limelight if at all possible, the bands have played and then I hear your clear voice ring out. The gravel in it is more than when you left, there is more harsh confidence, you have lost your uncertainty. Then you descend, and finally the barriers are free for us to see each other. I cannot get there quickly enough. I do not need to, you have fixed your eyes on me since the speech and grabbing your son and first officer, you are running in my direction. I am swept into your hug. Before I can say it, you are telling me you love me, and hugging phoebe, and just laughing and crying. Your son, Icheb stands patiently until phoebes husband shakes his hand, and even i can hear him saying that 'they do this alot' . Katie lifts her head up and draws Icheb in as well. 'here is my son' she says, partly defiantly, as if we would take umbrage at the suggestion. But we all enfold him into our arms too, and he starts to relax. Soon the children are all acknowledged, and Katie says she must make sure all her crew are OK, asking icheb to stay with us.

I notice first she goes to her first officer, standing patiently, diligently waiting with Paka in his arms for her to come across, and his sister close to his side. A short conversation later, when she has shaken hands with sekaya and clucked at Paka, we all notice that he leans in and kisses her hair. such a gentle movement, but one that clearly gives away his love and her acceptance, particularly when she smiles up at him before moving off to walk between the crew. Sekaya brings him to join us. I look at him and can see his good looks, and the humour in his eyes. As he formally greets me, i admit to liking the formal position and the click of the heels. I smile and ask him to call me gretchen, and that is when the dimples catch me. i laugh and clap my hands. 'you'll do' . looking at Sekaya, she confirms they will all return to Indiana. I state the need for refreshements, and Icheb leads us all, holding my arm like a born gentleman.

Finally Katie returns, and we are all unaware of the photo that Jake Sisko has taken of us laughing, picking up children and moving out. It captures the very intimate joy of our family reunion. At least he sends it for pre-approval before it is used. It is clear to all who want to see that the command team are part of a more intimate alliance.

The transport officer is kindly, and we are soon all deposited outside our home in Indiana. I welcome everyone in and am unsurprised that Katie and Chakotay walk in hand in hand. He is dropped instantly she smells the coffee, and we all laugh and break whatever tension there may have been when Katelyn cheekily notices that her habit of drinking coffee is just like mine. Welcome Home Katie.


	2. Chapter 2

we come together softly in the quietness of night, finally having time to be just us. throughout the day I have known where she was, I have felt like a compass where she is my North. At all times I feel her presence or her absence. All through our reunions, the joy of being home, seeing my sister and her son, the greater portion of me is just waiting to be with her. it is less than 24 hours since our revelation of love, and the feelings are new and raw and although mostly i feel the onfidence that ran through me when i chose to claim her, part of me still has the confusion and worry. i need to just disappear with her, spend time just joining and rejoining until we are definitively one. Making sure that we trust and love so much that we can slowly let out the hurt of seven years we have held apart, have failed, have tried to hold on to a hard dream in a harsh world, to forgive. Neither of us have talked much, and i am not certain when we will get the chance, there are so many people that still have claim on us. So many that are depending on her to steer them through. Spirits, but i need some peace. I just need that time together, to work out how we are going forwards.

-0-0-0-

I see Chakotay staring silently out of my bedroom window, gazing unseeing at the shadowed farmland beyond. He looks distinctly troubled, and i let worry seep into my heart. I tread softly, but he is already aware of my presence, and when I cup his face with a question on mine he smiles and enfolds me in his embrace and my worries that he has second thoughts about our love flies away. His lips meet mine and ignites a passion that flares like magnesium, so bright and white hot that it takes both of us and burns away our doubts and cares. Impossible to resist, we are both incandescant with our love and passion, intemperate in our blood, overwhelmed by our unity it is pure joy to share his love in this way. We lie after, curled softly against each other, tangled arms and legs, white and mocha. He kisses my forehead and spills words of love all around me. I am most thoroughly loved. When my heart beats more regularly again, I ask him. I could never stop myself from exploring a mystery or a secret.

-0-0-0-

how do i explain that in my joy of her, I am worried that our love may still fall away, that the wrong word, or movement might trigger all that has come between us in the past to erupt and destroy our fragile present. Spirits, that until we have the chance to make sure of us, I cannot truly feel at peace. In our new wonder, and joy of being together, how do I admit a concern without it appearing to reduce the love we share. I admit to her that I worry that I am not the man she believes I am. She looks at me seriously, her intense focus purely on me, and a small quirk appearing at the corner of her lips. 'Here we are', she tells me,' intimately joined, ensconced in my childhood bedroom having declared to friends family, and effectively the admiralty that we are a couple' - I cannot help but grin at that, she gives me a gentle punch - 'and I love you Chakotay, I promise only you, without restriction'. She smiles wistfully, 'i love the chakotay you were when we met, the chakotay on new earth, the chakotay that held my hand as i left to be assimilated, the chakotay that raved at me and pulled me back from the brink over the equinox, and the chakotay that i pushed away too hard and need to be forgiven for and the chakotay i thought i had finally lost. forgive me chakotay, i love all of you' i look down on this precious woman and hope that I truly can make this successful. the worry must still show, as she is gently tracing my tattoo with her fingers, and then her lips brush mine. 'Chakotay, what shall we do? how can i convince you?' She is convincing me of one thing, and that is that I am addicted to her touch, I come alive each time I hold her, and whereas once i was worried that this love would burn me away and leave me with nothing, now i see that I gain over and over again. Spirits help me though, I never imagined that it would be me requiring her reassurance, her steadiness in this love. It isn't that I doubt my love for her, my love is the whole essence of my being, and I am nothing without it. I doubt my ability to love her as she should be loved, to deserve this happiness, to be faithful to it. My life is full of broken promises, walking away. I had always pictured myself standing firm, reassuring as Kathryn rippled over and around commitment. I suddenly laugh, all or nothing she said, and that is what she is delivering. I am swept away again by the conviction of her love and the desire to believe, believe that finally I can be whole.

-0-0-0-

As I hold and stroke his dear face, adding kisses I am aware of the undercurrent of worry. I blame myself for holding him at arms length. for still having secrets, for not convincing him that this is for me, everything. i don't understand his shout of laughter. 'come on' I say, pulling quickly a skirt and a jumper on, and swiftly throwing joggers and sweats at him. 'come on chakotay! move it'. He is clearly caught between undressing me again or following, but i smile, and don't make it a command, so he follows. I pick up two bottles of champagne and swing us out of the house. I run us both to the transporter station, skipping a little and laughing. This is what freedom feels like, the ability to just run away! Chakotay is following, a bemused expression. I transport us both to lake George, to the jetty and drag him down to dangle his feet in the water and hold me in his arms. i flop back against him and look up to the skies and laugh. 'Remember, Chakotay, remember, we were promised to each other always. we have just taken the longer, harder route. remember that you are the breath that is in my lungs, you are the oxygen that powers my cells, the love that reminds my heart to beat. the stars up there, they shine just for us.' i wave my hands wildly taking in the starscape above us ' I don't know how to share my peace with you, my certainty, but chakotay, when have we ever failed, when we worked together? Have faith in me, let us find the quiet times together until we have a chance to run away. Just us.' i feel something in him start to relax. that is what we both need, peace, together. We are not going to have much chance of either. I feel him nuzzle at my neck, and instantly a warmth suffuses me, and I turn into his embrace. i can't quite believe that we are so free together, and turn to straddle his thighs, pressing myself against him, breathing in that Chakotay smell that drives my senses wild, kneeling around him, feeling him hard and needing against me. As our passion deepens, and my breath catches again, i have a thought freewheeling away from me, disbelief that we are out here in the open, making love. Our love making is like the ancient steelworks, hot and full of sparks, orange, gold and red shooting, fizzling into the night sky.

-0-0-0-

Somehow she has found a way to bring me to my peace. i had no idea where she was going, just living with her in the moment is enough sometimes for me. Caught up in her laughter, loping after her whilst she sung and danced to the transporter I was prepared to see what madcap adventure she was bringing me on. It is a delight to see her laughing so freely. Even at the other end, I have no idea until i can hear the lapping of water, and she is pulling me down a jetty that I recognise full well. Here we are, Lake George. Spirits, Oh how i remember this night back on voyager, after i thought i had lost her, after i nearly fucking lost her and my world stopped. She has brought me back here, to a moment of promise, and I see it, she is remaking that promise but for now as well as the future. Then she could only hope that i saw her promise, but knew that she couldn't or wouldn't act on her love, now she is bringing us back, in a circle to show that she never failed to love me. I think that might make my betrayal worse. In the quiet, I can hear the lapping of the water, the gentle night noises and I can believe that we are the only two people in this universe. It is in the quiet I find my confidence to embrace and try to understand the changes that have happened to me, Lake George to Lake George. To forgive myself as she has, the hard choices and the wrong choices we have both made when any choice seemed to hard sometimes. Her quiet words fill me with hope, no legends, just her truth. She has led me across the universe safely, she can lead me here safely too, trust in her love. my gentle kisses turn to fierce passion, and together, in the peace of nature, i can start to believe in myself again. Our kisses deepen, and when Kathryn reaches close and swings herself round on my lap it doesn't need prescience to see where tonight is going. I shout my joy to the heavens several times that night, as Kathryn and I sate our physical passion, and the early bird calls are all too soon telling us that time has passed and the morning is coming. Some of the pain in me unwinds this night, and an ease starts to appear within my chest as i breathe. We race back to the transporter, still laughing and creep back into the family home as dawn starts to turn the horizon orange. Back in her room we hold each other close on the bed, and soon I am peacefully sleeping.

-0-0-0-

I watch him smile as he falls asleep, and i can feel that some of his troubled mindset is unwinding. I led him too long a dance, too many a mistep and he is afraid that he might fail again. I celebrated and danced out my fears on Voyager yesterday, and before that the admiral was my clarion call to change. I am not myself yet, but enough to know who I am and where to begin reshaping my world. He spent yesterday in confusion, caught between two destinies, without the benefit of the harsh counsel I received to look clearly at what i was and what i might become. Yet he chose the harder path, he chose me. I look at his face, and know that my current mission is to help him re-find the man he wants to be. I am using New earth as my inspiration, and that seems to have helped last night. I plan to find our medicine bundles and make sure that amongst the love and family, we have some time for ourselves too. I need to help him come home too. I continue thinking on this vein and wonder hmmm, I wonder. I smile. I think I have a plan. I will need to talk to admiral paris.

Soon mother is letting off that damned klaxon, and chakotay jumps up automatically looking for his uniform. He grumps all the way downstairs that this is the second false alarm in as many nights. I place the largest kiss to stop his lips, and we are distracted enough to make a late arrival to breakfast. I have no idea why people feel the need to cheer. I admit to looking rather smug, and glancing to my left, so does Chakotay. we are going to be all right.

-0-0-0-

I have loved this time in Indiana after all, reconnecting with my sister, playing with the 3 children, my nephews and niece. Talking and making a connection with icheb. in my heart, I know that i plan to spend the rest of my life with kathryn. all the people in this house are my family. gretchen, I adore. How can i not, when she is Kathryn's mother, and they share so much. Each day Kathryn and I have taken a couple of hours to explore the farm on our own, and I was overwhelmed when she produced our medicine bundles. i hadn't know that she had continued to add to hers. Connecting with her, in the quiet of the indiana countryside, connecting again with my spirit world I feel the healing. Sneaking out in the late of the night to make love under the stars wildly and without inhibition. Spirits, but I can feel myself binding back together, becoming the man i should be again. It was so clear how the delta quadrant took everything Kathryn had to give, and yet I didn't see that i had suffered so much too. Now we are healing together. She calls me imperiously to quit mooching and come with her to some picnic with the Parises, and with a small grin, I slowly amble to her side and kiss her. 'yours to command, my dear'


	3. Chapter 3

_sorry, I did a bit of a rewrite after posting, as it still wasn't quite what I wanted._

-0-0-0-

Icheb

The last day and we are all joining the Paris's for a picnic. Grams is staying at home. I asked if she wanted me to stay with her, but she waved me off. A bit of quiet is what she wanted.

It has all been a little bit overmuch joining this family. I had no idea families were so, noisy. But Mom and Grams are very similar, and I feel welcome. I was worried that the commander might not be happy with Mom's decision to adopt me. I haven't really had much to do with him regularly, and I am still uncomfortable with him dating Seven behind Mom's back. However, we have spent some time talking and working for Grams together, and although we have little scientific in common, we find common ground through Mom and making her life easier. I have grown to respect the commander.

Aunty Phoebe is something else though. She is such fun, i think Q will love her too. She has made me laugh more times this weekend than I would have thought possible. Often by teasing Mom, so I shouldn't laugh really. i have loved playing with the three children. We have all played traditional earth games, Mom has started to teach me to play pool and Phoebe's husband has started to show me how to ride a horse. Grams has some minor fixing jobs that I have offered to do, and the commander and I did some work to the barn door together.

Now though, Mom has replicated me something suitable to wear to the Paris household. She comes down in a summer dress and jacket, and the commander is in light trousers and a casual shirt. this seems to be the correct wear, as the rest of our family joins us. It is good to say our family! As Mom would say, time to ship out!

-0-0-0-

Gretchen

The house settled into quiet. All the children and grandchildren had gone to the Paris's for a picnic and party. I had been invited, but just needed time to relax. hmm, smiling grimly at the thought, I'm not as young as I was! Katie and Icheb had been concerned, and had planned to get their EMH to give her a review, but it was just age finally catching up and saying she needed to go slow once in a while. Icheb planned to stay home with her, the lovely boy.

Coffee in hand, I went out onto the verandah and thought over this reunion. tomorrow they would all go back. Sekaya to Trebus, with a promise from Chakotay to visit following the debriefings, Phoebe and family were back to the city and of course Katie and Chakotay would be at starfleet as well as Icheb, who would start some formal lessons at the academy. At the thoughts of the couple, I need no mirror to tell me of the huge grin spreading across my face. I had been unprepared for Katie's forthrightness over the sleeping arrangements, and the abashed look on Chakotay's faced as he pulled at an ear and hopped from foot to foot confirmed this hadn't been discussed. nor prepared for the protracted time that it had taken them to unpack, something that Phoebe and Sekaya teased them unmercifully about. Watching Katie in love, and the devotion of Chakotay has given me back some of the years voyager stole. They couldn't bear to be apart. Clearly there are some huge shadows behind both of their eyes and troubles in their minds, and I hope that the counsellors and time helps them move beyond this, that whatever was in the past doesn't take their happiness away.

I noticed though, that through the time here they have both lightened their steps, and hope that they have found a way to achieve quietness together. They may think they were quiet, but most of the adults in this household realise that they have been sneaking out each night. I cannot help but hope that shortly there may be a wedding. it is old fashioned, but Katie missed two weddings and I would like to see her make a third. Hell, if I get to have some wishes, I would wish for children too. They should be blessed with the family that I think they would both desire.

And Icheb, the joy of my new grandson. I have spent a lot of time with icheb, telling him about his new family, showing him around. He is a quiet young man, studious, but with a sense of humour. He hero-worships my daughter, not necessarily the healthiest start, but he does have some awareness of her imperfections. He grew up somewhere far more rural, and aricultural community, and so he is drawn to the farmland surrounding them. we have spent sometime talking vegetables and I can see that he will be visiting many times in the future. i truly am glad to have a grandson of his age to help about the place when he is free from the academy. Some things are starting to get hard for me, and I am not ready to own up to them! he has already lined up a few jobs he is keen to do. He has also asked if he can invite his friend Q, any friend is welcome here. He is the greatest joy that I have received from starfleet. A bonus that exceeds expectations.

-0-0-0-

B'elanna

Kahless, but I am so pleased already to see people again. I have been smothered, literally, but the Paris family. I agree that it is great the are welcoming us, and clearly adore Miral. But I need to breathe! I have already told Tom that there is no way I am living here. We can have starfleet married quarters. I'm going to talk to Kathryn about it. I think secretly he is relieved too. I know his Mom would be a convenient babysitter, but it just isn't going to work. Sooner or later I am going to start breaking things!

Thank fuck, here is the Janeway party, and here is Kathryn.I race across with Miral, who i dump in Chakotay's arms, and then hug Kathryn. 'rescue me' I plea, 'before i get my bat'leth and fight my way out' Chakotay does a reasonable impression of Tuvok with his raised eyebrows, and i swear Kathryn giggles. 'honestly, owen and Elizabeth treat Tom like a child, and though they dote on miral, it is just too much! i need to breathe' this last is said with true desperation. Kathryn takes me aside and admits that she and Chakotay have been playing hooky, leaving the house every night for a secret hideaway. It has clearly been doing them some good. I roar with laughter and that brings Tom up to us. I grin and tell him i love him, the p'tak. he is clearly relieved that I am happier. kathryn leads me aside to talk whilst Tom mingles, i particularly notice him mingling with Kathryns sister Phoebe! She is a beauty, luckilly i see her husband is here, and talking with elizabeth. Ok, thank Kahless, we have a plan for living quarters. Kathryn is requesting married quarters for herself, chakotay and icheb, and we will hopefully get quarters next door with miral. with any luck, all four of us wont have debrief at the same time, and can rotate some miral care. In fact, Kathryn comms sam, and sees what she plans for living, and finds that although Naomi is doing reasonably well with Gresh, they would prefer a slow reintroduction, so will plan family quarters. Sam requests 4 beds, as she is planning to have some of the single girls with her. That gives us ample babysitting opportunities! No time like the present, and Kathryn has made the request, it is accepted, and we have neighbouring apartments, and Sam on the next floor.

Chakotay comes to whisk kathryn off to say hello to Owen and to introduce me to Sekaya. Kahless but i hate meeting new people. I take Miral back and greet Sekaya. She is very much like Chakotay, and tells me that Chakotay has said I am a sister, so she greets me as such. I am suddenly overwhelmingly grateful. the p'tak, he has made me cry! post natal hormones I angrily tell both of them. Sekaya tells Chakotay to fix us drinks and sweeps me to a bench in the shade. Miral fusses for a feed. definitely hormones, I announce!

Sekaya is far more inquisitive than Chakotay, by the time he has returned, I am half way through telling my version of his love story. B'e, he snarls, overhearing, it really wasn't like that. I groan at him,' Kahless, it was just like that, you were both too pigheaded to realise. You should have tried again Chakotay, after unimatrix zero, she needed you, it would have happened'. 'Hah!' he gives a short and bitter laugh, 'and what about the devore? teero? equinox?' his head shakes and the anger is replaced with what looks like despair 'seven' he whispers. Kahless, I had no idea that he was so affected. still, I guess he hasn't had a counselor, and has kept his heart enchained too. It is only as we have finished the journey that I truly realise how hard it has been for the command team. I thank Kahless that we all survived, and that we are friends. 'chakotay, you are together now, forgive the past' Sekaya stands up and puts her hand on his arm, but Kathryn is there instantly, as if she hasn't taken him out of her peripheral vision all this time. From the look in her eyes, she knows. 'come chakotay' she says, placing her hand on his heart 'let me show you the rosebeds' and she steers him away, off out of our sight.

Sekaya sits back down, her worry clear to see. I try and explain properly, just how awful and difficult it was for the command team out there. no respite, no relief, no off duty. the rest of us got some time to be ourselves, but they so rarely did, and it just got harder and harder. That they made mistakes with each other, and i can't talk about them. They stopped listening and misinterpreted events, and it is only by some miracle of epic proportions, Kahless or Chakotays Spirits must have directly intervened, that suddenly at the voyager party they both threw their doubts aside. I imagine they have had no real chance to talk through their past yet. when she queries Seven, i find it hard to know where to answer, and just do my best.

'Spirits' sekaya answers slowly. 'A mess, thankyou little sister for being there through this and helping to bring him home' she is clearly thoughtful.

Tom arrives, and has started a crazy ball game with the three younger children and Icheb. Looking at it and him, i am uncertain of the rules, but there is lots of laughter involved. i thank kahless for the laughter tom and I have shared. I see his mother looking on with adoration too before she catches sight of me. She is hesitant and I wave her over. My Klingon warrior self disconcerts her, but I appreciate her love and her good heart. Well, I am going to try hard to anyway! Appreciating people is not something that comes naturally to me.

-0-0-0-

Janeway

I keep an awareness of chakotay at all times. I always have. over the last seven years it has become second nature. I sense his overall comfort as well. It has often given me a split second advantage in first contact and difficult trade negotiations. I am suddenly aware of his acute discomfort, and wheeling round i see him trembling next to Lanna, and Sekaya jumping up. i put my hand on Owens arm and make my excuses before walking with purpose to where chakotay is starting to break. As if nothing out of the ordinary is happening, I smile at Sekaya and Lanna and direct Chakotay to walk with me. Most of the time we are fine. most of the time he is my devilishly handsome ex first officer, sexy as hell, good sense of humour and a liberal dash of protectiveness. Most of the time, but we both have our hidden demons to conquer, and they can pop out unexpectedly.

I find an enclosed arbour in the rosebeds that will keep us secluded and sit down. Without volition Chakotay sits too. 'Kathryn, how do you do it,' i can hear the pain in his voice 'how does the past not whip up and drag you away? how does the bitterness from betrayal not poison what you feel for me?' Damn, but how can I answer this. Honestly, on occassion i thought the pain would destroy me, but balanced against that is years of love, devotion and care. Of all our shared history, at best I am partly to blame, and at worst, mostly. I hold his head in my left hand so that we are facing each other, and my hand is on his heart. I hope that I can answer this so tht we can move on, that we can be more than the sum of our shared history. ' chakotay, because I loved you' i breathe out with a sigh. I know that this is not answer enough yet, though maybe one day it will be. 'some of our history has hurt more than I could bear. i have wanted to scream at you, at us, at me, Chakotay, because i always knew that there would be a price for the parameters i created' i see he is about to interrupt, so i place my fingers on his lips and he gently kisses them. 'each time I had a choice to go on loving you, or I could decide that this was it, the end. it was no choice' we both rest at that thought. we both know that over the years we struggled to control our love, to bind it into friendship and yet it escaped in our laughter, our private messaging, our unwavering professional support. I could no more stop loving him than i could stop willing us to get to the alpha quadrant. 'So i always forgave, even when it was hard, and I always loved' he nods, it is understanding, it is, i am sure, how he mostly dealt with us too. 'in the last year, since Quarra, mostly, i just existed.' he raises his head with hurt in his eyes, as this is where he started to pull away, in retrospect I see it, at the time though, i was also too bowed down by command, by six unrelenting years, that is why i had eventually determined that i needed to change something, break the parameters, too late, nearly too late. But this is no longer where we are. 'I love you so much that it does sometimes hurt Chakotay, and if the alternative was to love you less, then I accept the hurt. we did have those terrible moments which hurt us both, but we had other good ones too, quieter ones, laughter at the bridge, understanding in the ready room, the peace of the dinners, the total trust that you would always save me. Against that, nothing else counts, really' i sigh as i look into his eyes. 'chakotay, i love you' i move my hand from his heart to trace his tattoo 'it is more than enough' and touch my lips to his and then rest our foreheads together as i wait.

Eventually I hear the whisper of a sigh, and he leans in and kisses me again. 'i love you more than my life itself Kathryn. I, I just need to keep that thought at the front of my mind' i nod and feather my hand against his tattoo, brushing through his hair. 'you see me through different eyes than I see myself. I see that I failed in my promise, not once but over and over. ' I lean in and kiss him again. I deny this as a failure. 'but it was a hard promise, and you did succeed chakotay, you made my burden lighter, you were there for me.' i fold our hands together again, the gesture of New Earth, the gesture that for me encapsulates our promis, and place my hand once more upon his heart 'this is where we are, Chakotay, this love is who we are' . His other hand winds in my hair, and he kisses me gently, a benediction. We sist a short while in silence, the sounds of the others in the distance, laughter and joy. We find that balance together, as we have always done.

He stirs, and the solution maker in me springs forwards. We both know that we will need to address this at some point. 'where do we start with this?' in my mind I think we will need a mediator, a counsellor to help. 'I cannot bear to lose you Chakotay, so if we must talk' and we both know that we must 'how can we talk and not end up like the last time? you sent me away and so I walked out on you!' I only realise tears are falling when he gently smooths them away with his thumbs. He kisses me gently and then with increasing passion, passion is where we can express our love without mistake or misunderstanding, and willingly i receive the touch of his hands, the power of his lips. i smell the roses mixed with his spiced scent. and we find comfort in each others arms.

We do need to talk, and I think I can remove one of the list safely, so I ask 'Why Teero? how is this a failing chakotay?' I am holding him tightly, and feel him jerk at the name. we have already tried to discuss the others once, I will not try again. Teero though, he needs no forgiveness for that episode. Damn the mad vedik and damn starfleet for not noticing the piggyback command. 'It wasnt you Chakotay, if anyone, it was Tuvok.' he shakes his head in denial. ' I ordered him to phaser you! my mind was full of ways to kill or defile you' he nearly sobs, i am so sorry, we should have discussed this before, after it happened. 'but it wasn't you chakotay, you didn't kill me, you didn't defile me and we endured.' I hold him close again, our fingers entwined as if we were drowning and only this will save us. 'I never blamed you or held it against you. If it had happened earlier in the journey, I would have had the strength to laugh with you afterwards about it and take the pain away. I am sorry, I was just always moving on by then.' i feel him start to relax 'Take Teero off your list my love, it is done, you were more violated than I was, your mind was suppressed and your body stolen. You were not responsible, do you understand? no forgiveness required though you would have it. You are released from the guilt of Teero' I say this rather forcefully before I kiss him again. He breathes out again, and smiles gently at me. I cannot command his feelings and we both know he hasn't really given up responsibility for Teero. I do hope that some of the pain will go. I remind him again of his support and comfort when I needed it. I talk of losing Carey. I felt that I failed, yet his strength and presence supported me, he allowed me to grieve with him. He allowed me to carry on. We hold each other, survivors of the storm. We will make it to our safe haven

With less anguish and more practicality, we agree that as part of our debrief, we will insist on counselling, ideally with Deanna, and ideally together. Our command team persona knows that this is what we would recommend and no doubt will recommend to others. I hope that Owen has this in hand. I remind him once more that we have each other, and that is a small miracle. he smiles at me and getting up, we link arms and return to the picnic.

-0-0-0-

Owen

Katie is remarkable, in a few quiet and quick words she silences my concern over B'Elanna, and points out that a Klingon living for seven years at nearly permanent red alert is not going to settle easily into domesticity, if ever. That we need to let her run free and come to us. She then goes on to reiterate that most of the crew will need a serious amount of counselling to be able to reintegrate into modern life, and that we need to give some halfway options. She likens them all to caged animals needing gentle persuasion to live again in the wild. We agree and organise a block of starfleet accommodation by moving lots of temporary placements about. Kathryn immediately signs up for married quarters with her first officer and a room with them for icheb. She holds up her hand when i look like i am going to expostulate, 'stow it owen' i can't decide whether to be shocked, outraged or amused at her efficiency. I look at her raised eyebrow, and agree we will go with efficiency. She books the room next to her for tom and b'elanna - eyeing me to forestall objection. my shoulders sink and i agree. She also arranges a family room for the wildmans on the floor above, booking in seven of nine and tal celes there. the notifications to all go out. Nodding, she asks for the key organising agent and PADDS this to all the remaining voyager crew, with the message of the three rooms booked already.

Next, she says, we need to have plenty of voyager events, so she will talk with her senior team and have regular evening entertainments, lectures on what they have missed, excercise programmes etc. thursday night will be voyager night for the mess, and they are to anticipate, especially at the start, pretty much a full turn out. I agree. there needs to be access to voyager itself, either in small planned groups or as part of counselling. agreed. counselling needs to run alongside debriefing, she demands deanna for herself and chakotay and the senior team if she can. other counsellors available that can deal with deep space, PTSD, disentegrating families, survivor guilt etc. agreed. in a fortnight or so, Katie wants to do a thankyou to voyager ceremony on voyager. she wants to unveil a small additional mark on the hull of voyager, she passes across the design. non-negotiable, she says even if she has to spray it on herself. I am laughing but horrified. It is clear that Katie is exactly what we need, but she does need to start paying at least some lipservice to command structure. I point that out to her, and she laughs, flutters her eyelashes and huskily reminds me that we have been more than command structure. As i struggle to breathe and wonder, no worry what specifically she is referring to, she laughs more freely, and reminds me i am her fathers best friend. Struggling to swallow, I agree and then i'm relieved when she rushes off to Chakotay's side. I am left with images replaying in my head that I haven't let see the light of day. I hadn't anticipated this.

-0-0-0-

Sekaya

I am glad my brother returns as the picnic spread is laid out. I was uncomfortable at how kathryn just took him away. Through this family time I haven't really had any alone time with Kathryn, she is either with Chakotay alone, with us all or just with her Mom/phoebe. We haven't had any real opportunity for alone time. I think that she has engineered it this way. I wonder whether she has picked up on my concern at this sudden all encompassing relationship. It feels like a survivor response, something we saw a lot of on Trebus as people came to terms with what they had lost, and clung to anything that remained. I do not want Chakotay to be bound to the past and loss. I am worried at what is going on in his life, his emotional turmoil. i don't understand all the troubles he has faced, but he isn't open with me any more and has refused to discuss anything of depth, moving off if i raised any subject he did not want to discuss. I am in no doubt that he loves her, and that it is returned. As a practical and pragmatic woman, I will accept this, and be happy in his happiness and welcome Kathryn as a sister. if it fails, I will be there for him. Like her mother, she is a force of nature. I hope i will get to know her better if she joins Chakotay in Trebus.

Chakotay has gone straight to Paka who was chasing after Tom Paris, and briefly joins in the game before he brings Paka to me. In his playfulness I see the brother I remember. The food is delicious, and I relax with Chakotay by my side, laughing and joking and calling out with Tom and B'elanna. he has clearly recovered from whatever is in his past, the string of names he raged in front of us. Kathryn, who has been sitting with her sister and niece breezes past with the children, making a raid on the sweets and puddings. She brings something huge and sugary back for Chakotay, sitting down on his lap to his obvious delight. 'sweets for my sweetheart', she grins stealing a kiss before feeding him some of the pudding. I reconsider, I love seeing him this happy, and am amazed at the openness of their love.

looking around more carefully, I see how the couple have often the surreptitious attention of most of our fellow guests. I reflect how precious this love must be to have been unspoken for seven years, challenged from all corners and yet blossom at the earliest moment. How integral this unspoken love must be to each of them to have survived presumably a similar list on each side of indiscretions or betrayals. I imagine that their current love, so new, is perhaps still fragile, with any of this past possible to blast it away. perhaps there is a reason for the cautious looks from friends, and Chakotay's moment of despair. I have to hope that Kathryn is as insightful as my brother believes, and can steer them safely to the future they deserve. watching her flirtatious demeanor, peeping under lashes and smiling softly as she feeds him the last mouthful, I am sure that she loves him. I am convinced that she will give it her best shot. The Janeway women are rather redoubtable.

The evening is drawing in, and the lights around the patio twinkle like clouds of fireflies. the effect is magical. Tom suggests some dancing and light jazz fills the warm evening air. i notice a smirk pass from Kathryn with a raise of her eyebrows, clearly a sign of mischief, and a strategic glower from my brother before she pulls him up and onto the temporary dancefloor. The 'fleeters all fall in. This is clearly a variant of their formal dancing, and even Phoebe and her husband join in. the children are all giggling and eating more of the sweets than strictly advisable. I hover, but icheb comes across and asks me to dance. He tells me that he will follow my lead, or me his, or we can muddle through. Muddling through, i realise how charming he is and am glad for gretchen that he is an addition to her family. Smiling, i laugh at him and think aloud that one day he may well be my nephew. we look at Kathryn and Chakotay, eyes only for each other as they make only the simplest of dance moves, talking and laughing softly with each other. we both very much hope so. They clearly are happiest in each others arms. Icheb comments that the captain, correction Mom, has always been very tactile with all her crew, and he anticipates growing used to seeing the constant affection between them. He has a fond grin on his face, so turning around again, I see that my brother has swept kathryn into a closer embrace and kisses her forehead in contentment. The last of my resistance to his relationship falls away. there are no barriers between them, and he has a contentment I have never seen before.

Although I go on to dance with Tom and Admiral Paris before joining the children in a simpler dance, chakotay and Kathryn never stop. B'Elanna, joining me says that currently Chakotay has instisted she dances only with him following some bet on voyager. I find it hard to believe that she did the racy dancing being described to me, and my slight disapproval causes B'Elanna to stop in the tale, and laugh that it was with Tom as a way to lighten the party for everyone. I watch the couple again, but they are still at peace. Finally the hour grows late for paka, and i see Phoebes children are also getting tired, so we make our farewells and transport back to the Janeway residence. It has been good to see how my brother fits in this starfleet world, and i have heard only respect from tom, b'elanna and the admiral. I am proud of who he is, and ask the spirits to continue to guide him wisely.


	4. Chapter 4

Just short of a week in Indiana. It has been wonderful to spend that time with my family. I have had opportunity to laugh and cry with mom, promising her that I will never leave like this again. I hope that this is a safe promise, although she was doubtful. I worry about her health, and have booked the Doctor to see her. Seven year of heartbreak does that to you, she says. I hope it is a case of more rest, more vitamins and less coffee, my usual prescription! I couldn't face losing her. i love her. Meeting her has certainly made Chakotay and Icheb laugh at me, calling me mini-gretchen when i put my hands on my hips, or the strutting walk, even the half smile. I had no idea so many of my physical expressions were my mother's first. i had thought I took after my father! I am proud to be part Mom, and she loves hearing the stories of me striding across the bridge, terrorising vengeful aliens. Chakotay is an extraordinary story teller, and damn but I sound good through his voice. The kids certainly view me with awe after some of his wilder renditions. Sometimes, when I have tried to complain at my larger than life impression, Icheb drags me away. 'mom, you were just like that for us. why, ask anyone' he grins at me. An Icheb grin is worth his weight in gold! I also notice that Phoebe's husband has been taking holovids of Chakotay the raconteur. He says the stories are excellent for the children. it is to be quite some time before I realise the true purpose and the scope of his project, when an occasion in the future causes him to present 'the stories of voyager for children' as narrated by the crew and illustrated by one Phoebe Janeway. Needless to say, I cry, but I blame the hormones.

The time I have spent with what I should consider now as my two sisters has been quite a contrast. With pheebs we have shared what has been an emotional roller coaster. Pheebs has never hidden her emotions, and i think the first full day, we experienced them all! Sekaya and Chakotay had gone out for the afternoon, Mom, Icheb and Pheebs husband had all the kids, and Pheebs and I went into the den and drunk too much, cried too much, forgave and buried our sibling rivalry completely. It was such fun, even if we were given an antidote hypospray by some remarkedly unamused, poker faced partners when they returned who found us unable to stand and help prepare dinner. It only made us laugh the louder as we then openly admired each others taste in men and their respective attributes until they ran from the den blushing as our shrieks of laughter followed them. although Pheebs didn't understand my sticking to the rules. Now, I don't either. I think, though, if I had always shared my life and love with Chakotay that i would never had the drive or taken the risks to get us home. certainly the admiral wouldn't have needed to return and we would have taken all those extra years. Sometimes you have to accept that perhaps it has worked out as well as it could. As long as we can make it work now. Pheebs and I gained a new understanding of each other, i wish it didn't take catastrophes in my life to bring us closer. I have invited her to girls night - which I hope will continue with B'Elanna and Sam.

After the Paris picnic, Sekaya and i also seemed to work out how to talk to each other, though i think it will take a while longer. She is a quieter more thoughtful version of Chakotay, without his contrary nature. She seems so secure in herself and her life that i feel too complicated in comparison. I cannot be other than I am. Although she has a deep friendship with Mom, it was clear at the start that she had hoped that Chakotay would return to Trebus and settle, and our relationship makes that unlikely. She also had reservations over my playing fast and loose with his emotions - her turn of phrase, and refused to consider what she considered my poor excuses. It made for a somewhat uncomfortable conversation. In the end we needed to settle that things were as they were, and although i might not be considered an ideal choice, i was Chakotay's choice. our near week though has brought her to see that despite the complicated history, we are clearly happy, and she seems less uncomfortable in my presence. Paka is a darling though, and as I have played with him and Phoebs children, I have held hopes that perhaps there is a Paka in my future. Best not to dwell on future hopes, but concentrate on the present. I hope Chakotay has reassured his sister in the many hours they spent alone together. well, we will both be visiting Trebus. I hope, and that will give us further opportunities to make a friendship.

chakotay, heart of my heart, I think, is returning to himself, and a near- week of passionate nights and loving days certainly makes me a happy woman. Whatever else we might have concerns about, our attraction is not one of them. Once I am in his arms I feel entirely that this is perfection. I believe us to be soul mates, and it is one of the universe's tricks to have thrown us together. We start debriefing and counselling tomorrow. Somehow the counselling worries me much more than the debriefing. Having talked to deanna yesterday, she is going to see each of us on monday separately to go through what we think we need to discuss with each other and prioritise them. then see whether we need to be counselled about the events separately, or do everything jointly. I am a highly private person, and failed counselling last time I had it, well i gamed it, and the counsellor wasn't betazoid and allowed me to. Hence having asked for Deanna this time. I need to do this right because of Chakotay. I need to redo the first lot of counselling too, unfortunately. i have to trust that Deanna knows what she is doing. Thinking about this, i am tempted to bundle us both into the delta flyer and just run away. There is so much damned history there that can pull us apart. Damn, but I hope she is good at this!

Other things have been lining up too, and I am also revelling in my new role of Mom. I have had a lot of teasing that I have been Mom for the last 7 years, but this is a much more personal version. It has been a delight to introduce my son to the family, to the Janeway home, the things I have loved. And just to get used to interacting in a closer, personal way, making space for each other in our day. Icheb doesn't start academy this week after all. he needs to come to a medical on wednesday, and induction to campus on the thursday, but is otherwise free. He is pretty advanced, having had so much personalised tuition on Voyager. Due to his unique circumstances he has been given a unique mentor, Lieutenant Commander Crusher. He elects to stay in Indiana until then, smiling at my Mom. When i can, i go and check that he doesn't feel that my relationship with Chakotay is pushing him out. He laughs, and reminds me i have always had a relationship with Chakotay, and with over 150 other people. That he thinks Grams will be lonely with everyone leaving together, and he wants to have time to sit with her, hear her laugh and tell stories of me when I was young. he wants to look at our family images, and be part of us fully. What with the several hundred images taken over this weekend, there is no doubt he is part of the family. i grin at him, and hug. At least i have left the delta quadrant with one perfect uncomplicated relationship! Against all odds, it is going to work. Chakotay comes past and ruffles Icheb's hair, 'favour noted Icheb', he says. As a not so secret message passes between them, I have a sigh of relief. it looks like they will be OK too, and if I am very lucky, one of the things binding them together is keeping track of me. I am glad they wont be doing the tactical dances of one upmanship that Tuvok and Chakotay did in the first few years. I snort as I remember some of the more amusing moments, such as Tuvok's cunning plan. Both Icheb and Chakotay do identical Tuvok eyebrows at me, and I collapse into peals of unexplainable laughter. I love being at home.

We have a large family sunday lunch with laughter and joy celebrating our return from the delta quadrant, and the extended family we are. Looking around the table, and especially looking at my Mom, I am amazed at how well things have turned out, and hope that fate is not being tempted. Please let me keep my happiness. Please let this not be some alien possession just showing me what I want to see. the meal over, Chakotay and I are the first to leave. Although mom has hoped we would return next weekend, Chakotay and I will spend it in New Mexico together, and Icheb will join her. I am feeling slightly torn between these different responsibilities still. Icheb is reassuring, and I did explain to mom that I have put chakotay last so often, that I do need to put him first, even if she believes we have spent the last seven years together. Both of us are looking forwards to what we are calling shore leave, we have never really had any time to just devote to us. the weekend after is hers though. Our immediate belongings, such that they are, are now in our apartment. over the next few weeks we will need to clear Voyager, i only brought my clothes and key things on disembarking, i know i have crates in the cargo bays. time to say goodbye, and in between the hugs, Kisses and tears, I do remind my family that it is a fortnight, not seven damned long years! if the borg can't stop me getting home, nothing will.

Walking through starfleet arm in arm in our civvies, we do attract a few looks and, I am sure, whispers as some recognise us. It gives me no warning for what will happen when we put our uniforms on tomorrow, when everyone we past salutes and this continues for a full fortnight until the admiralty orders the behaviour to desist. they don't salute just the command team, but all the voyagers. we are instantly recognisable by our old style uniform which we will wear until reassignment and the voyager pins. Also some of us have had our faces repeatedly plastered over a variety of news outlets. Not knowing this future, Chakotay and I happily breeze to our new apartment. To my amusement, and his abashed happiness, he insists on carrying me across the threshold. This is the true start of our future together, he states, our first planned home together. I look into his eyes and love shines between us. I also have a surprise planned for him, but on kicking the door shut and looking at the room we are speechless. Utterly and completely speechless. it is not the usual bland starfleet off the peg quarters we were expecting. There appears to be a pool table! also my decanter is on the sideboard, filled with whiskey and the unique glasses besides. Our things have clearly been unpacked for us, and treated with care. There are fresh cut flowers, Chakotay's throws over the sofa, medicine wheel and sand paintings on the walls a well as holoimages chosen from our celebration walk, effectively us with every team member. There is are two images of the pair of us. One on the bridge, carefully cropped, and one leading the formal dancing. It is clear looking at these images that our love has always been in our eyes, declared or not. I laugh again at the one where i am a mascot. There is a bottle of champagne on the diner and two glasses next to a welcome back card. I hardly need to read it to know that it has all the crew names inside. We have a home, our first home together.

'Well,' says chakotay, clearly at a loss like myself, the wind taken from his amorously intended sails, placing me on the ground. 'here we are then' . I am not going to let the attention of the crew distract us quite so easily, I will thank them and investigate later. Grinning, I pull my top off and let it drop to the floor where we stand, and move towards where i presume the bedroom will be, the skirt becomes a further puddle on the floor. 'bring the champagne and glasses' i call behind me, but too late, there is a laugh and i am caught up again and the third door we try turns out to be our bedroom, and as we leap for the bed, I feel in chakotay's indrawn breath that he has seen my surprise. Our New Earth wooden headboards are side by side at the top. 'that' I say, 'was my idea' and whilst it is sinking in that i kept them all these years, and i can feel his heart springing open some more, I use my tactical advantage to divest him of clothes until he comes back to the moment. We consummate the start of our joined life together quite thoroughly and expertly and I hope that these rooms are well soundproofed as we use the opportunity to fulfil a few long held fantasies. Chakotay, though, really should have brought the champagne with him the first time I asked.


End file.
